Monday, November 17, 2003

It's been almost 4 freaking months since I've posted here. What the hell? I'm sorry. A little sorry to anybody who still checks this page with even an eighth of a fluid ounce of hope that I may have actually updated. A lot more sorry, however, for myself, for being such a poor example of successful time management. I can make all the excuses I want, but despite my crazy hours, I am still the thing holding me back. If friends are just enemies who don't have the guts to kill you, then I am a good example of a friend to myself.

Having said all that, I'm posting a brief article that is truer yesterday than the day I wrote it. The neon sign line actually was uttered to a dear friend of mine after she told me that she didn't, and couldn't ever, love me. And I made HER cry. Oh, I have just noticed that this means that the last two posts are connected, even though they are clearly posted 4 months apart. Some topics never let go of you, I guess. Just to clarify, though, I have seen lately that I am more complex than I paint a portrait of myself in this piece. It did take me a couple years to realize this, though, as I was 28 or so when I wrote this. Enjoy!


it seems like everyone i know is complicated except me. i feel like i have no substance most of the my emotions are either A or B. everyone else seems to have more letters in their emotional alphabet... which is why i don't understand other people, i guess... i keep trying to figure out what it is about me that prevents people from having real feelings for me and if it is indicative of some flaw of my own and not a reflection of the headcases i am invariably attracted to...

why am i only attracted to people who won't reciprocate my feelings? are my feelings really real, or is that the catch? meanwhile, i feel like i am getting older and scared of living alone all my life, of becoming that bitter loner who lives above the convenience store with the flashing neon sign that reads "OPEN 24 HOURS!"

i'm wondering what it will take before i realize that love is bullshit and doesn't really exist for people like me...