Sunday, May 06, 2012

One Year After Leaving NY (9 months after returning)

38 Years and what have I to show for it?
Massive credit card debt and student loans for an education
I am currently unable to use for bills I am unable to pay --
Clearly my life has written checks my self-worth can't cash.
Nearly 40 and working a shit warehouse job
Meant for someone 20 years younger and in better shape than I

Wake up in the morning feeling like I got run over
By a truck, by life, the life passing me by?
I own mountains of other people's work --
books, records, movies --
But have released almost none of my own.
I get anxious, I get nervous, I get blocked.
I get distracted...
I medicate with alcohol, I sedate with TV.
I make grand plans and pronouncements
then make excuses and curl up in a ball.
I go out and party, I come home and hide.

If I don't finish it, I can't submit and get rejected.
Why do I care as long as it's out there?
Finally out of my head, maybe then I could sleep
Perchance to dream the unthinkable dream --
In which I wake up in a world where my talent gets recognized
Where my words get respect
Where my bills get paid merely by being me...

Or will I collapse before 40?
Under the weight of this debt ceiling?
Under the rubble of our crumbling Republic?
From the burden of mixing metaphors?
If there is a G-d out there, I am sure he is more Loki than Odin.


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